I’m participating in #Reverb13, which is a reflective writing challenge in December to look back over the past year. This will be my third year participating! You can learn more about the Reverb challenges and see the daily prompts here. I participate to share more about myself and to have a written reflection of the year for myself.
This past year, we have all experienced so much loss and experienced so much grief — in relationships, through sickness and death, from mental illness or abuse, because of finances, even due to the need for healthy change.
It is good to honor those shifts, to fully feel them, so that we can let go of what needs surrendered, and remember what is worthy of our love and gratitude.
What have you lost, what are you grieving?
The past year has been quite a year for me. I’ve lost quite a few things, but feel like I’ve gained even more. I’ve learned to let go this year more than most years in the past. Just to start…
1. My dad. I didn’t lose my dad this year, but this December 6 will be 10 years since my father passed away in 2003 very unexpectedly. My brother, mother and me are all that’s left. I can’t believe it’s been 10 years and almost a day doesn’t pass when I don’t think of him and wonder how things will be. I feel like this is something you never truly get over as it affected me a lot and I still struggle with this loss that I was so unprepared for.
2. My home and comfort. On December 20 last year, Jarrett and I moved to Connecticut. While I moved from Atlanta, Jarrett moved from North Carolina (our home). It was a very difficult decision, but I did not want a long-distance relationship and I wanted to be with Jarrett. I moved for love, even though most people told me not to. Most of my friends are scattered all over the country, but I did have some good friends in Atlanta and I left a secure job opportunity there as well. The North is very different from the South and I do miss the comfort of my previous southern living. I’ve learned to deal with it, though I’m still not quite sure I fit here. I feel lost in space sometimes here. I’m happy to be with Jarrett here though, where we started our little family with Lanie this year.
3. Some friends. This happens every year really; I grow more and more distant to people. I feel like I’ve really lost touch with people over the past year or I’ve just outgrown people. I’ve heard that this happens and even read recently that when you “grow up” (whatever that means) you really only need a small group of close friends and everyone else is an acquaintance or people you just know. Just because you know me from Twitter or Facebook doesn’t mean we’re actually friends. I use the word friend very lightly as I really need to know you, trust you, like you and actually talk to you often to call you a friend. I really do apologize if that sounds mean, but my friends are like my family and I have very few real ones.
4. Esteem and self-worth. I was really surprised to find a job in traditional PR, not like it at all and really discover that was not what I wanted to do. I think figuring out what I truly want to do (still not there yet) and applying for quite a few jobs and not getting a few I really wanted really hit me this year. I definitely don’t know as much as I thought or have as valuable of experience as I thought (very egotistical I know) and definitely have so far to go. I’ve made mistakes, I’ve learned and I feel I’ve grown more as a person this year, but still have a lot of doubts and regrets.
So that’s what I’ve lost this year. Thank you for reading my moments of honesty!